I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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