My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
