Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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