Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
