Swine flu is the new snow day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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