I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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