I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
