Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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