how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the day after is always just damage control
he was CRYING into my vagina
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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