It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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