Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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