She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
