I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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