When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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