I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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