Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
