This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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