youre lurking in front of me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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