dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
