True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize