sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
