I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
