apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
