You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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