Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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