no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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