I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
