just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
