when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
