just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
