There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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