We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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