I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
