That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
