A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
