If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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