oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
