Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize