My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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