Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
