Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
