if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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