i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
