Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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