I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
