mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
