So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
