I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So much Jack, so little girl.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize