So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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