OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
