drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
