i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
