Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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