I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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