I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
