Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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