Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
