Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
