so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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