he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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